Surrendering to flow is medicine for the stubborn-minded and scared-hearted. Where the medicine of surrendering can mend the wounds, there is often fear of relinquishing power. Personally, I know that when I am resistant to complete surrender it is because somewhere along the way I became afraid of my power.
I recently came to understand my actions, as of late, as reflections of my pain and hurt. I noticed myself withholding love by repressing the full extent of my emotional responses, and simply guarding myself in ways I had not consciously been aware of before. The hurt accumulated over years of being shamed for my emotional fluidity, transparency and vulnerability finally caught up with me, and in my 9 year, uncoincidentally. And as I have come to know myself, I experience the most pain when I try to run from who I am: a natural feeler who transforms feelings into art, becoming waves of inspiration, becoming change. My heart has always showed me the way into leadership, and as much as I’ve tried to convince myself I was not equipped to service the people, I find myself again and again desiring to express myself through community. Spoken like the true child and protected of 1, 6, and 9.
These numbers have appointed themselves my primary, visible guides from the very beginning. When I was first introduced to this world, it was a Harvest Moon in 1997. September 16th saw a special kind of Full Moon baby and the numbers worked especially hard to ensure that I was born on land recognized as the 619 area (stolen Kumeyaay land, known as San Diego). And so the numbers 619 and 916 have always evoked a very special comfort and sense of individuality within me.
Today marks a similar iteration of these vibrations, 6.19.19. That repeating 19 feels satisfying in a lot of ways, mostly because they remind me that the beginning and the end are always closely intertwined. 6, which I have come to associate with not only the Heart but circles and the kind of magic that transcends time but does not negate the power of cycles, is also present in today’s frequency.
I have spent the afternoon brainstorming for creative projects. Personally, giving myself permission to explore and enjoy my own creativity is something that does not come easily. Recently, it’s been very difficult to honor my creative process without experiencing feelings of unworthiness, fear, and lack. To indulge in my creative fire is to resist those internalized pressures to make money without intention, to produce rather than create and birth, to accept discontentment and pine for inspiration instead of evoking it.
This feels like the embodiment of what 6.19.19 means for my personal path. I am finally stepping into a place of acknowledgment and recognition within Self where I see myself as a leader, creatress and individual worthy of inspiring change. My allegiance rests first with my Heart, meaning I cannot physically experience resistance, ignorance or apathy anymore. And my Heart wants me to make art, to love without fearing judgment or changing circumstances. To offer what flows freely and let go of my imagined need to make excuses as to why withholding is better than sharing. Even keeping my ideas to myself has revealed itself to me as being selfish. I can only refine my thoughts for so long before it becomes an obsession and an unhealthy possession that blocks the flow of generosity, inspiration and creative release. There is nothing left to hold onto, not even what I thought was bringing me creative freedom.
Everything is falling into place this month. June has felt especially clarifying and easy, mostly because the ending of sidereal taurus season signaled a need for movement. The stagnant energy brought me face to face with my insecurities, discomforts and unhealthy habits. I was indulging in my own solitude way too much last solar month, and it was getting to be very suffocating. Now, though, everything feels fresher. Sidereal gemini season is promising to me in a way that I have always been triggered by. In my experience, the gemini’s in my life have been frustrating simply because their light-hearted energy triggered something stubborn, dense and self-deprecating within me. The active energy and movement I’m basking in now are simply testaments to gemini’s eager optimism. It’s so eager it’s almost infuriating. Almost.
6.19.19 has been a portal into treating myself with ease, pleasuring myself with the ‘what-if’s’ of my art and medicine-making, and for once in a really long time, simply reveling in joy.