halfway between Divinity and humanity,
there is a synthesis.
she is called Anahata.
nourish the Heart
by dissolving all defenses and programs
rooted in fear.
fear of being Seen,
There is a lot left to be softened, and so much that has already undergone transmutation into its most tender manifestations. This is the morphing, the slow brewing and steeping that accompanies coming into human form. We are finding our way every day and the more we experience our rough edges, our horrifying reflections in the mirror, we can begin to Love ourselves back into Wholeness, Fullness, Oneness.
Ego derives from separation, and this distinction between the Whole and the Self can be healthy. Individuality, perspective and uniqueness are what make this human experience so full of never ending outcomes.
I find myself lost in one or the other, a lot of times. In the root, all the pain of the women before me and the stories I’ve chosen to forget are stored, and they bubble up when I feel unsafe. They make themselves known when I already feel I am failing. Living from the root is a dense, unsatisfactory, frightening and anxious life to live. When my awareness is crowded into this one space, all I can feel is misery. All I experience is separation, density and un-alignment.
To escape the cruelties of the world, I find myself escaping into the crown, traveling up, up, up into a space where I remember my eternal cosmic goddesshood. I lose myself in the occult, calculating numbers in my head and blocking out anything physical, temporary and painful. Living from the crown is certainly lonely, no more lonely than living from the root, but it is shrouded in the illusion of Oneness. Here, I certainly feel that I am connected to everything, but there is a disconnect that prevents me from actually relating to other humans.
And to ease the pains of loneliness, I find a midway point between Divinity and humanity. It is halfway between these two centers, it is in the branches of the Ankh that the circle is completed and the Kundalini is released from density. The Heart Center has always been my remedy, my safe place and shelter from the storm. But I cannot hide away here, not from the storms I’ve conjured, this is a place of transparency and accountability. Blame and guilt dissipate here, but I am still left with a Knowing that I cannot continue to live out of alignment anymore.
As much as I would like to be the Hermit all the time, this narrative is incomplete. The Hermit does not stay in his cave his entire life, he goes into reclusion so that he may emerge more equipped to engage with his people, more knowledgeable, more soft. When he leaves his cave, it is because his greater Purpose has always been to return to humanity. Reclusion without leaving room for Humanity in my Heart is simply self-hatred. I cannot run into myself to escape myself, for there is only one thing I will find.
I am choosing the softening, choosing the halfway point between the two places I have made homes in and instead choosing to return to my Origins, my true home. Taking comfort in escapism, whether that be escaping into anxiety or apathy, will no longer serve me and my relationships. Humanity is meant to be a multi-player participation, where I experience myself through others and in learning to love them, I can extend it to myself.
The Heart has only ever wanted me to see myself and for me to be comfortable with being Seen. The Heart wants this human experience to be one of intimacy, transparency and flexibility. To be soft is to be mutable, delicate in your form and divine in your changing nature. God is Change, God exists to be Changed, and we exist to grow softer in our minds, Hearts and spirits.